The NRA is definitely onto something introducing mental
health issues into the national debate about gun violence. But the nagging
question remains, How can you tell if you are mentally ill and, therefore,
should be stopped from owning a gun?
No
problem. I’ve developed a little test. Let’s see how you score.
If,
for example, you think it’s OK for 23 million Americans to live without health
insurance, and if they die it’s not your problem, the fact that you do not feel
the pain of others may be a warning sign of sociopathy. Perhaps keeping
firearms around your home might present a danger to yourself and others.
Or
if you think that invading Iran is a dandy idea, not that you or anyone you
know would go and fight yourself, of course, that may be a warning sign of a
dissociative disorder. Better leave the assault weapons to our brave fighting
men and women.
If
you think that Bill Clinton purposely killed David Koresh; that Hillary went
into a Washington park and offed Vincent Foster; that the minute he was born in
Kenya, Barack Obama knew Americans would one day want to elect a black man with
a weird name and so he put his birth announcement in a newspaper in Hawaii; if
you think that George W. Bush purposely blew up the World Trade Center; if you
think that black helicopters are surrounding your home; if you think that Lee
Harvey Oswald acted alone; if you think the Mafia killed Kennedy; if you think
that Lyndon Johnson killed Kennedy; if you think that I killed Kennedy, or if
you think that the Newtown massacre of small children didn’t really happen and
was a setup to take away your guns tomorrow… take a deep breath. Any of those
beliefs might present themselves as paranoid delusions. Keep an unlocked
assault rifle around the house at your own peril.
If
you are taking all of your money out of the bank because Obama ruined the
economy, and you’re not convinced otherwise by a stock market’s doubling and
corporate profits’ soaring through the roof, you may be suffering from a denial
of reality, probably not a good fit for access to killing machines.
If
you thought it was OK that a guy running for President claimed to love America,
but stowed a lot of his money offshore to avoid taxes that would help the
country he wanted to run, that might indicate mild schizophrenia possibly
disqualifying you for the right to bear arms.
If
you think that Acorn stole the 2012 election for Barack Obama, when Acorn
hasn’t been in business for four years, you may be suffering from auditory
hallucinations in response to AM radio signals; you might want to put off
arming yourself.
If
the word “Benghazi” creeps into your conversations, that could indicate a
generalized anxiety/panic disorder. Best not to leave the house with a
concealed weapon.
If
you are convinced by strange voices coming from your television that the 63
million people who voted for Obama in 2012 are layabouts and do not want to
take responsibility for their own lives…
If
you find Harry Reid fascinating…
If
you think that Al Gore really cares about the environment after he just
pocketed $100 million from oil-producing Qatar…
If
you think women make up being raped…
If
you think zygotes are people and taxpayers can write them off as dependents
upon conception…
If
you think it would be terrible if the Southern states seceded…
If
you rented Gran Torino and thought it
was a documentary…
And
if Nancy Pelosi’s jerky smiles seem normal to you… well, any of these could
classify you as borderline personality.
So,
please take the advice from the National Rifle Association, an organization
that sincerely wants to be helpful in our national discussion about guns. If
you see yourself in any of the above diagnoses, see a professional immediately.
And for all our sakes, in the meantime, keep your mitts far away from guns. Heck,
stay away from even horses and bayonets.
