From the Inside

These dewy-eyed liberals crack me up.

On the night of November 5, 2008 when Barack Obama and Joe Biden were elected to the highest offices in the land, suddenly the world sprouted a pair of rose-colored glasses. Whoop-de-doo with all your change and your hope. Yup, it was all going to change.

Libs are such chumps.

Sure, Obama is overwhelmingly popular with “the people,” about twice as popular as his predecessor and four times more popular than our former vice president. And yes, all those folks who want a more fair and just system of economics, who want to see our government wrenched from the special interests, who want peace and love to flower in the Middle East, who want a “fair” piece of the pie are still on his side.

But guess what, tools, it ain’t gonna happen.

For the truth is, we Republicans still run things. We’ve still got the power.

And the reason for that is pretty simple. Our money runs the permanent government. (And a big shout-out to the Supremes and the Citizens United folks for making sure it’s going to get even better.)

The first thing these libs don’t understand is that, after 30 years out of power, they no longer control the media. I know we’ve been selling that hoary line about the “liberal media” long enough that the simpletons actually buy it, but we know the truth. Do you think Disney, GE, Time Warner and Rupert Murdoch are invested in the common man’s interests? Like they're suddenly going to experience a Jerry Maguire moment, and antagonize and alienate all that corporate advertising cash, start digging into what’s really going on? What is this, some kind of movie fantasy?

Grow up, idiot-lefties. Sure GE (but maybe not Comcast) may have let the occasional Maddow squeak through the gates, but at the end of the day, it’s our highly leveraged (and heavily mortgaged) managing editors with children in expensive private schools who decide what angles to pursue and what we in the Grand Old Party end up telling you.

Or are these glib-libs so oblivious they don't even notice that we've got a Karl Rove fan running the Washington bureau of Associated Press.

We’ve got nothing to worry about, fellow Repubs, the fix is in. Obama’s big plans for change in energy, climate change, healthcare and foreign policy are just a pointy-headed pipe dream. File it all under “No Way.”

On energy independence, for instance, that’ll be easy. After all, did anybody raise a peep when Exxon Mobil and Chevron made more money than any other corporations in the history of the world and gasoline hit four bucks a gallon? Of course not. We've washed enough lame brains out there, heck, they expect to be gouged at the pump, all in the name of free market capitalism. (And none of you had better let on why capitalism doesn’t work when monopolies corner the market.) Besides, who cares if they're cursing us in the local bars. We wouldn't step foot in one of those places anyway. And as far as anybody on TV complaining... well, don't those networks (even PBS) get a ton of money from the oil companies? We're home free. Worst-case scenario: Just get a bunch of goons to holler "Drill baby drill!"

Obama also wants to tackle climate change? That's rich. See, we've been paying stooge scientists for 20 years to come up with ways to make it seem like a natural thing. And do you think the pinhead-population was paying enough attention in science class to fight back? We really had a good laugh this winter when snow fell in record numbers over the Northeast. Luckily, the average voter was sleeping in science class that day when the teacher explained how water from the ocean evaporates into the air and falls as condensation and so they missed the part where if the ocean’s warming, more water is evaporated and, bingo! More snow! And we can also distract them by pointing to e-mail scandals that were featured on page one and whose denial ended up on page 52.

You bleeding hearts wanted universal health care and wanted to separate the insurance companies’ stockholders from their dough? Ain’t gonna happen. Wellpoint and our AMA buddies haven’t spent zillions of dollars lobbying our BFFs in the Senate for 30 years just to let them off the hook now. Besides, if the vote gets tight, all we have to do is scream “socialized medicine” and the lemmings pick up the chant and fall right off the cliff. God, I love simple bumper stickers. (And please don’t tell the unwashed that Obama’s plan actually transfers millions of taxpayer dollars into the insurance companies’ hands.)

Foreign policy? Those peacenik hippies want to dislodge our forces from the Middle East? As if. We know how to scare people real good. Drag old Rudy out, he’s always good for raising the hair on the back of people’s necks. And, let’s face it: If Obama can’t fight back against our boy Dick and his daughter, does he really have any fire in the belly for fascist Islamism?

Our friends, the defense contractors, know how to play this game. We may have hit a rough patch when Ike sounded the alarm about our cozy daisy-chain, but, he was Republican In Name Only, remember, and that was a long, long time ago. The Ikester (or Reagan with his nutty no-nukes pledges) wouldn’t get past Iowa today with that kind of talk.

The minute Mr. Obama tries to upset our little apple cart and pull out of Iraq and figure out a way to escape the clutches of Afghanistan, we'll simply hire some retired CIA operative or Blackwater, er, Xe thug to drop an incriminating bag of cocaine in the Oval Office or, hey, this is better, hire some underage boy to claim he slept with BHO. (Or do those lefties think Monica was an accident the last time a liberal Democrat tried to shake up our little club? You are too funny.)

All we have to do now is wait for the tide to turn against Obama and these liberals. After we get through with this naïve fellow, the suckers will wonder why in the world they ever voted for him in the first place.

Oh, and just in case all of that doesn’t work, well, we also have gotten quite good at stealing elections, in ways even Lyndon Johnson never thought of.

So enjoy your time in the sun, liberals.

We're just sitting back enjoying the show.

That’s our hopey-changey thing. And it's working out for us.